I’ve been cogitating on the nature of relationships lately. Especially what makes balanced ones. In a blog last year, I mentioned the three things the comedian Ricky Gervais thinks you need in a relationship: things in common, mutual respect and a sense of humour. That and my own experience got me thinking about balance between the internal and the external in relationships. Specifically, what I’m calling intrinsic and extrinsic value or worth in relationships.
I don’t think these are terms in psychology — an online search revealed nothing — unless those terms are out there under a different name. There is in philosophy something called value theory — with concepts of intrinsic and extrinsic value — that refers to the value of a good (a physical item) or a service. That’s not what I’m talking about. This is about the worth or measure of the quality of a relationship. I’ll have a go at explaining. This is new territory for me — and maybe for you too — so bear with me.
To explain the terms, I’ll use a conversation as context. First, extrinsic value or worth: the measure of a relationship based on what is external to you and the other person. Examples would include talking about
other people currently in each other’s lives (family, partners, friends, lovers) that you both know or one of you doesn’t know
experiences (for example, partying, social functions, physical activity) that involve you and another person, that you both know or one of you doesn’t know
people from your pasts (family, partners, lovers, friends), that you both know or one of you doesn’t know
events or activities (movies, TV, concerts, holidays, camping trips, adventures) that you’ve both undertaken with other people, that you both know or one of you doesn’t know
current affairs, world events, politics
The intrinsic value or worth of a relationship is based on what is between you and the other person. Examples would include
checking in with and sharing how things are in your relationship, what’s going well, what’s not, and what could be better
being proactive in suggesting activities you want to do together
planning those activities together
doing those things you want to do together
When a relationship has little intrinsic value, it is characterised by mostly extrinsic value. Is that a bad thing? Possibly. Because what holds you together are things more outside the two of you. In a sense, the extrinsic stuff is easier because it is mostly less personally intimate between you. It’s easier to talk about anything outside ourselves! However, the conversation can still be of an intimate nature, just not about the two of you as a relationship. On the plus side, extrinsic value helps build social cohesion and connection, both on a small scale within friendship groups and families but also more broadly across communities and nations. And that’s a good thing. It is important. We all should have some of it with all the people we know. Too much of it at the expense of the intrinsic, though, can make for relationships that aren’t that deep and can look more like a two-way counselling session.
On other hand, when a relationship has mostly intrinsic value, there’s not much room for developing the extrinsic. Is that a bad thing? Possibly. The risk is the people in the relationship are so involved with each, so focused on the relationship, so wrapped up in each other that nothing or very little else matters or exists. An example might be a co-dependent relationship, an insular us-against-world relationship. Two people are so obsessed they lose themselves in each other to the point where their other relationships suffer and they never see their friends and their friends more or less let them go. I’ve seen it firsthand. And half the time the people involved don’t understand or even see it. Too much is not healthy. That said, intrinsic value is very important for the health of the relationship. It shows you both care about one another, want the best for each other, take an interest in each other’s growth, hold each other lovingly accountable, have healthy high expectations of one another, take time to plan and do things that allow each to grow and flourish. That’s the healthy version of intrinsic value.
The ideal, in my view, is to have a balance of both in each relationship. It’s a big ask, I know. We don’t have homogeneity of value in our relationships anyway. Some will be more extrinsic, some more intrinsic. It’s probably not possible to have all our relationships so well balanced. Perhaps that doesn’t matter. As long as we have some of both, things should go reasonably well for us. However, I would still argue that to see our relationships thrive and prosper, we need more of the healthy kind of intrinsic value. Ones where we don’t exclude other people because we’re spending all this time with the ‘new love interest’, as an example. When we do that, if the relationship were to change or worse, end, what, do we go back to our ‘abandoned’ friends and say “Hey, I’m back. Broke up with so-and-so. Yeah. So, where did we leave off?” Like that’s going to go over well!
So, if you’re feeling like there’s too much of the extrinsic — and my hunch is that is probably the case for all of us — maybe it’s time to get to know your nearest and dearest more. Learn more about how they think, how they see themselves in their relationship with you. Openly encourage them to ‘speak their truth’, not hold back, go deep diving. And you do the same. Take time out to hear from each other regularly. That builds intimacy and intrinsic value. And when you get good at that, share it with others in your world.
What do you think? Does it resonate with you? Or, perhaps not? Either way, I’m keen for some feedback. Leave a comment below. I like putting these things out into the world.