Fair-weather, foul-weather, and all-weather friends

You’ve probably heard the term ‘fair-weather’ friend: the friend who’s only ever around or available when things are going well for you. It’s crickets when you’re having a tough time and might want a shoulder to lean on. Well, by the same token, I think there are also ‘foul-weather’ friends. And there might just be what I call ‘all-weather’ friends.

By the way, I’m using the term ‘friend’ fairly loosely here. I’m not quite sure some of these people, fair- or foul-weather, are truly friends.

Anyway, I define foul-weather friends as predominantly those who are only ever around when things are not going so well for them*. That’s the time when they need an ear to hear all their woes or a shoulder to cry on. I’ve had a number of foul-weather souls in my life. Being a pretty decent listener, I suppose I might even be a sucker for them, haha. Back in the 1990s when I worked in Sydney’s CBD I made the fateful ‘mistake’ of placing a lounge in my office in a space I shared with others. Well, wasn’t that an open invite for all and sundry to come and sit or lie down and offload! Out it all poured and when they’d gotten it all off their chests they’d be on their merry way. Now, I am not against people expressing and emoting all manner of grief and worry in the world. I’m all for it. The thing was they never returned the favour. Not once did any of them ask if I might want to be heard as well. A one-way street.

Fortunately I have friends in my life with the capacity to hear as well as share. And fortunately, I’ve learned the process of co-counselling and know the value of listening actively and doing follow-up. It’s a great tool and the world would be a far happier place if more of us did it, imo. But here’s the thing: it only works well if everyone’s doing it. The favour — the opportunity to emote and release the ‘grief and worry’ — has to be returned. The problem was so few of those who occupied my lounge knew how to actively listen and do follow-up. They’d got their stuff out and were ‘healed’ — for now — and were on their way back to work or whatever. I’m not sure they could’ve returned the favour anyway. I don’t blame anyone, it was just how it was. Caught up in their worlds, sometimes people just don’t have capacity for anything other than themselves. Besides, I was a little tired from listening and wasn’t sure I wanted to share after all. So, no biggie. And if by chance any of them did ask after me, they never seemed to have enough capacity to listen for more than a minute or two before taking the conversation out of my hands back into theirs. A tell-tale sign of which was when, after me sharing a couple of sentences, they’d say, “You know that reminds me of [such and such] . . .” And away they’d go.

I’m not sure things have improved much in the last thirty years. It’s probably worse thanks to social media and phones we all text on rather than make calls. As well, therapists and counsellors are doing a roaring trade these days. Like never before. We seem so wired now for one-way conversations and we seem content to pay for them or have someone pay for them. By the way, this is not to put down therapists and counsellors; they certainly have their place in this modern bad-stressed world, especially in mediation between parties. It’s just an observation. I wish I’d cottoned on to that honeypot earlier. I could have cleaned up. Lol. I used to joke with some of my friends all those years ago: “You want to sit or lie on my couch? I’ll just pop the meter on. Only $xx per hour.”

*There’s also another kind of foul-weather friend, one who’s only around when things aren’t going well for you. Kind of like a rescuer, someone who loves a crisis, only excelling when things are going off the rails. They only turn up when things aren’t going well for you. They even tell you they’re at their best in a crisis. They’re disinclined to share anything much about themselves. So, yes, a rescuer. They are almost therapists, though without the professionalism. However, this kind of foul-weather person is rare.  

So, my question is: is it just me or is this anything like your experience?

What’s your mix of friendships like? Fair-weather or foul-weather? A mix of both? Or perhaps, you have that rare luxury of ‘all-weather friends’? They are, in my view, true friends. These people can hear it all and share it all. They can give and take. They let you talk, you let them talk. Neither interrupts, except if either of you is rambling, repeating themselves or either of you needs an explanation because there’s something one of you doesn’t understand. There’s follow-up, too, and there are tell-me-more conversations. There’s never a feeling of, as Stephen R. Covey puts it, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply”. And you’re both okay with the time it takes.

There is no more important ‘work’ in the world than listening well to each other. All conflict big or small arises because we don’t.